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Ironically I'm reading a story and the main character goes by X. Today the letter I wrote to Mr. X where I confessed my love for him popped up again. All I want to do is run to my dreams. Today I just feel very alone.

I'm not feeling well. My recent nightmare has put me in a sluggish state. Usually I thrive on my nightmares but this one hit the core of my heart. It is a feeling I can't shake. Even if it means something good my mind can't wrap around the meaning of it. No one in my waking life has noticed my silent torment. In my waking life no one cares. Sob #2 is really not helping with anything. Even his voice has reached the point where I find myself cringing. He is so self aborsed that he has failed to notice he doesn't have a place in my heart. Ever love someone so much it physically hurts you? I have just not with him. He doesn't make my heart race he doesn't excite me on any level. Now I'm trapped. Even now everything is against me . the odds even my mind everything is ruined.

I was do happy to have someone to talk to But the friendship wasn't what I wanted to be honest. I've been avoiding him for a couple of weeks now. I feel a little bit bad by it. I'm just not into fantasy cyber games. Sigh maybe I really am a monster.



I woke up sobbing thanks to a nightmare. Now I'm left with depression that I can't shake. For once in my life I am the silent one. I'm trying to bounce back I am just not having any luck.

I started to sleep again. I can't remember my dreams however. My heart is still beating strange. Just like it used to do whenever I was dealing with Mr. N or Mr. X. Since neither one is in my life, my heart has no reason to beat this way anymore.

Never enough time to get anything done. Work is taking 90% of my time. Sigh. In adding ten yrs less of my life. I'm miserable. Spring is in the air but not for me. I want to be swept off my feet. I just have to stick to work.

Sigh I was afraid this path would be my downfall. Now what? I have to keep going forward I have to own this mistake. Now what am I going to Fucking do?

Sob #2 is a financial parasite. He is a vampire in a different sort. The only that's bleeding my paycheck dry. I'm swinging from this noose.

I'm awake. Wide awake. I should be asleep. I'm hungry but nothing for What in the fridge. I was dreaming but I can't remember what about. Was it the dream that woke me? My body is screaming at me to lie back down but my mind is keeping me awake almost like a hostage, forcing me to write this entry.

Fallen Angel by three days grace why does this song make my heart beat that peculiar way? There is really no reason for it to. But now I'm listening to it over and over again just to feel my heart beating again. The last few days my heart keeps beating with that familiar throb I forgotten how much I missed it. It's a thrill reminding me I am still alive in a sense.

I need to find something else to intrigue my mind. Eventually I'll tire of the same puzzles and struggles. What happens then?

That unusual heart beat again. What does it mean? Does it mean you are thinking of me? Watching me? Reading my very words? I don't know. It's intoxicating to be honest. For the brief moments my heart is beating like that I don't feel so alone. The dreams of you started again. Each dream you are someone different but you feel the same. Each time I come closer and closer to leaving my life behind and coming with you. But I am something rare otherwise you would have gotten me years ago. You may have my heart but it's not the way to really get me to leave my life behind. You should know that by now. If you don't maybe you need to dig a little deeper. I have so many questions but not a single answer. Is this fate? Do I belong to you? Is this love? An act of revenge? If only I knew....

Another sleepless night. You would think at this point I'm used to it. But I'm not, in fact it seems to make me struggle more. I tried to relax today because I can't focus in my current run down state. It was neither successful not enjoyable to say the least. I have no privacy to be alone with my thoughts let alone meditate. I'm constantly surrounded by people and all their noises. I guess that's the next stage my hearing. Its super annoying. I threw on my headphones to try and drown out the noise but I could still hear the conversations around. People are a bitchy race. I so don't care. All I wanted to do was be hateful and mean. Just let loose and really say what was on my mind but instead I gave myself a migraine trying to ignore it.

Its disappointing. I like having someone to talk to again but I don't think he understands his purpose with me to be honest. I am not looking for a cyber friend. I don't want to pretend to hold hands and etc. That's not the purpose. He will have to do for the time being. I'm not sure which direction I'm going in. I get the impression maybe I shouldn't give up my quest for some sort of answers. I'm not sleeping well here lately. Been waking up shaking from a dream I can't remember. I really need a couple days to relax and rejuvenate. I could really use a good nights sleep. I feel really run down.

Mr. I had wonderful soft hands. At work I kept brushing against them every chance I got. He made my teeth tingle. Oh the things I would if only I were single. Sigh oh well I can't be the creepy employee. I have to forget about anything that I feel or what to do to him. I got to admit it was a very thrilling moment.

Today is a new day. I really hope today is better than yesterday. I really hope the month of March goes better for me.

Today wasn't a good day to be honest. I woke up with a migraine from a dream that just made me feel alone. The rest of day I felt detached from the rest of the world. I tried to get into a better mood but sob#2 grated on my nerves with his nonsense. I tried my best to not let my anger get the best of me. I really just wanted the day to get over with. Everything bothered me today. My arm blistered up some with the sun. I lost my appetite again. Food tasted bad and everything smelled. Today just sucked. I'm ready for a new day but tomorrow is looking bleak. I started looking for answers again because my heart started to best funny again. I can't seem to walk away. What if I never find the answers? That thought alone is scary to me.



I have kept true to my word and kept Mr. N blocked this time around. I will not give in to the urge. Even that urge is fading away so maybe that's a good thing for me. Maybe. Right when I was about to walk away from this site I met a new friend. He seems familiar to me but not in a way I recognize. I'm so sick of silence and my own thoughts I'm confiding in this stranger like I've known him forever. I can't go on in isolation. I have to have someone other than this damned journal to talk to. I have to feel something other than hatred and emptiness. Even if this bites me in ass I have to take this risk because I am worried about who I am becoming.



I wish I could talk to the man of my dreams. But if he is real he doesn't care about me. I am a strong woman surviving everything thrown in my direction. But battling it alone is turning me bitter. Now I'm faced with the fact that maybe my mind made him up. In turn isn't bringing me any sort of comfort either. So now what do I do?